Dear Over-muscled Twentysomething Who Tried to Chat Me Up in the Bulk Oatmeal Section at Tri-County Produce

Seriously, standing behind me and humming a little tune like that is how my six-year-old tries to get my attention and it doesn't work for him either. Snapping your head around to check out my ass is a chump move, too. This will definitely be the last time I go shopping wearing sweaty yoga clothes, the power of my endorphins clearly attracts the wrong sort of chimpanzee. It was sort of hilarious that at the split second I turned my back on you to flee toward the fresh fruit you called after me, "Does anybody actually eat this stuff?" Oh, sonny, let me learn you something. If you're looking for recipes then yes, chat up someone old enough to be your mother. If you're looking to hook up, the ignorant, helpless routine is only going to attract people who want to mother you. It's a lose-lose.

It's that goddamned cougar thing, isn't it? Lard help us all.

  • An all-expenses paid vacation to Hell.
  • A kick in the nuts from Demi Moore.
  • A Golden Girls DVD boxed set.
  • A call from his mom to straighten this out.

Evolve, buddy.

Yours in low cholesterol,

Mrs. Kennedy