BABIES. Maybe you’re thinking of having one. There might even be one inside you right now, draining nutrients from your system via a tube growing from its midsection. Or maybe you’ve already got one around the house, somewhere, and you’re responsible for its continued survival. You’re saddled with a helpless being whom you’ve agreed to house and feed and love with all your heart for the rest of your life, more or less.

Either way, you’re confused, you’re frightened, and 911 won’t take your calls anymore. But don’t despair! Let’s Panic About Babies! is here to hold your hand and answer some important, age-old baby-related questions, including:

- How can I be sure I’m pregnant? (Torso swells gradually until baby falls into underpants.)

- Did I just pee myself? (Yes.)

- What happens if I have sex during my pregnancy? (Your baby will be born with a full, lush beard.)

- How can I tell if I’ve chosen the wrong pediatrician? (He/she can’t pronounce “stethoscope.”)

- How do I make sure my baby loves me back? (Voodoo.)

From the moment they’re created until the day they steal our cars, our babies demand center stage in our lives. So join Alice and Eden as they tell you (and your lucky partner!) exactly what to think and feel and do, from morning sickness to baby’s first steps. They know everything!

Amazon | Barnes & Noble | Books-a-Million | Borders | IndieBound | | Powell's

Kirkus Reviews:

An outrageously humorous, over-the-top guide to surviving pregnancy and child-rearing.

What's the most important thing women need in order to prepare for a new baby? According to the debut book by mommy bloggers Bradley and Kennedy, it's not formula, blankets or even a car seat. Come prepared with a sense of humor. Through absurd anecdotes, lists, charts and pictures, the authors satirize typical pregnancy handbooks in a comically ironic and often bawdy manner. Despite the inclusion of much useful scientific data, readers will more likely be drawn to the insight the authors have gained on the front lines of parenthood. There's advice for readers looking to throw a baby shower that will make friends suffer as much as the expectant mother; a World War II theme should do the trick. Ever wonder how to choose a baby name that fosters a desired trait? Macarena is a great choice for future dancers. With uncensored humor and honesty, Bradley and Kennedy provide future moms with comforting tips on how to cope with the appalling terrors of pregnancy, including how to satisfy the urge to vomit in public, deal with annoying family members and strangers and avoid insanity during bed rest. The authors show how laughter can be the most effective remedy to assuage the panic that often accompanies pregnancy.

A refreshingly unorthodox approach to a subject typically portrayed in a sappy, sentimental fashion.

The Washington Post:

"The authors of the very funny “Let’s Panic About Babies!” want to calm any anxieties moms-to-be may have about this "small, hairy bowling ball" developing inside them.

For instance, even as the debate continues as to whether fish is safe for expectant mothers to eat, this handbook declares that consuming lox while pregnant will have the rather nasty result of your baby being “born covered in capers.” Also, please be aware that drinking chamomile tea could produce an offspring who enjoys “Hummel figurine-collecting,” and be sure to avoid smoking clove cigarettes because they are “a gateway drug to hacky sack.”

Other subjects include: “Preparing Your Pubic Area for Labor,” “How To Judge Your Baby Against Other Babies” and “Ways To Handle the Crushing Fear that Washes Over You in the Dead of Night.” (For the last one, the authors suggest repeating a mantra: “I am excited to meet my baby, who will probably not eventually abandon me in a nursing home.”)

With a deadpan delivery and a wonderfully crude sense of humor, “Let’s Panic About Babies!” cleverly apes all those pregnancy and parenting guides littering bookstore aisles. It also draws from the proliferation of “mommy blogs,” where moms (and dads) argue about child rearing with overblown rhetoric."

Library Journal Reviews:

In this saucy, no-facts-are-too-disgusting guide to pregnancy and infancy, wisecrackers Bradley (the blogger behind Finslippy) and Kennedy (the brains behind share their foulmouthed wisdom for moms-to-be. Example: "Make a list of those friends and neighbors who refuse to help. Title the list New Enemies." Complete with photographs, drawings, graphs, and charts, this funny book is fantastically gross, full of sly spoofery, and wholly unnecessary from a subject standpoint. On the other hand, it would make a great gift for like-minded girlfriends. Effervescent entertainment at its best, this is recommended with gusto if you have the shelf space and the bucks. - "Parenting Short Takes," Booksmack! 2/17/11