I don't know if anyone's really noticed but I've had a terrible time finding the nerve to post much lately. I've been trying to figure it out -- is it burnout? Is this the end of Rico? -- and I honestly think it boils down to some sudden insecurity that hit me while reading about the Democratic campaign. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I felt like it's impossible for anyone, anywhere to ever be Right, capital R, Platonic ideal, absolutely correct about anything. I just started feeling wrong, whatever I said, spoiled and entitled and stupid and boring and white and incapable of understanding anything outside of my suffocating sub-suburban bubble.
Whee!
Jack and I had a giant fight the other night, a real "Fuck you!" "Fuck me? NO, FUCK YOU!" extravaganza. It certainly made Jackson stand up a little straighter. He was in the shower for the worst of it, actually, and when it was over and I was cuddled up in bed reading a book with him, Jack walked in -- you could tell he still had his back up but was wholly reasonable once again -- and said, "Jackson, do you know why I yelled at Mommy like that? Because I love her." I laughed, and later Jackson and I were able to have a good talk about how you can fight with someone and still be friends.
"But why didn't you cry?" he asked me. This was an astonishing echo from my past, as my Grandmother Marriott asked my mom the exact same thing. Generations of Marriott men have been yellers, evidently -- my grandma married one and so did my mom - and my grandmother always used to burst into tears to make it stop. But my mom never did, she just silently sat there and waited for my dad to yell himself out so she could go on with her business until he cooled down and apologized.
"I grew up with a dad who yelled a lot," I told Jackson. "When I was little, I'd hide in the closet. It took me a long time but it doesn't scare me anymore. Plus, I love Daddy and I know Daddy loves me. I know he wouldn't hit me, or leave, or make me leave, so it was okay to see him get angry and to yell back at him."
I found this clip on YouTube yesterday, it's Craig Ferguson, whose show I've never watched, talking about why he can no longer make fun of Britney Spears. It's about twelve minutes long so I forgive you if you don't have the time to invest in it, but if you do it's absolutely worth it, he's amazing and I'm a fan forever now because of this.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bbaRyDLMvA]