Top Eleven Things Of Which I Have Recently Been Afraid

11. That I would accidentally kick my empty beer can and it would roll all the way down to the front row and we'd be kicked out of Pirates of the Carribbean and I'd miss seeing Orlando Bloom's and Kiera Knightly's dull, pointy heads getting chopped off by the inspired supporting cast leaving ragged, bloody stumps of their esophaguses for all the real actors to piss down with hilarious consequences.

10. Anal fissures.

9. Diagrams of anal fissures that make the anus look like it's expelling boiling lava, or perhaps a child's hand with extra fingers.

8. That my new reading glasses are just little crutches for my slightly weak eyes, thus depriving them of the need to work at all, thus making me utterly dependent on said glasses, which isn't really as fun as I thought it would be.

7. Online personality tests.*

6. Waxing after sunburn.

5. Slowly losing my mind in such a way that letting it go just feels pleasant.

4. Carnies.

3. Alcoholism.

2. Giving Jackson a haircut.

1. The fact that MEG WHITE is an internationally famous drummer.