Virabhadrasana I and II

Aquaman: "Good morning, everyone, namaste! I'm Aquaman and I'll be teaching class this morning, we'll be learning Virabhadrasana, the Warrior pose. Would you please come to standing, Mr. Ninja?"

Storm Shadow: "Sir, my name is Storm Shadow, sir!"

Aquaman: "I see. I also see that standing may be a challenge for you. How'd you lose your foot, soldier?"

Storm Shadow: "A bulldog puppy chewed it off at the ankle, sir!"

Aquaman: "I'm so sorry. I feel your pain for I, too, am an amputee."

Silver Surfer: "How did you lose your arm, Guru?"

Aquaman: "You know how kids are. Pop the arm off, pop it back on, pop the arm off, pop it back on. Until one day . . . it just wouldn't stay on anymore."

Storm Shadow: "Jesus God, sir! That's inhuman!"

Aquaman: "I've accepted it. And now, thanks to yoga, my remaining arm is super buff!"

Aquaman: "Okay, inhale and raise your arms up! Storm Shadow, is it possible for you to bring your arms closer together?"

Storm Shadow: "Not when I'm desperately trying to remain balanced on one foot, sir!"

Silver Surfer: "I would lend you my magnetic surf board but there's a chance that if you stepped onto it, it would absorb your energy and imprison you for all eternity."

Storm Shadow: "Oh, yeah, I . . . that'd be a drag. Thanks anyway, man."

Aquaman: "Now exhale and bend forward. If you need to bend your knees slightly in order to get your hands on the ground and release your lower back, go ahead."

Storm Shadow: "Aw, man, a little bit of something just fell off me. Damn that puppy! I'll never be the same again!"

Aquaman: "Let's take another breath here so you can relax into the stretch."

Storm Shadow: "ARRRGHH! KILL THE PUPPIES! KILL ALL THE PUPPIES!!!@#%$&*&#!"

Aquaman:: "And exhale and float your feet back!"

Silver Surfer: "White ninja, you have to relax."

Storm Shadow: "No shit, Sherlock."

Silver Surfer:: "My observation offends you. I'm sorry."

Aquaman: "Now, gentlemen, I'd like you to inhale, press your hands down, firm your legs, lift your chest, lower your shoulder blades, stretch open your throat, soften your third eye, close your anus, and draw your perineum gently inward . . ."

Aquaman: ". . . then exhale and push back into downward-facing dog!"

Storm Shadow:: "Dude, it's okay. I think I must have post-traumatic stress disorder or something. Seriously, sometimes it takes the littlest thing to set me off, I just snap."

Silver Surfer: "I have heard tales from others who have been left behind by their comrades, abandoned on the floor when the child goes to school and the puppy comes searching, it's destructive baby teeth as sharp and as ruthless as razors."

Storm Shadow: "OH, GOD, THE LITTLE TEETH! PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP!"

Aquaman: "Now, plant your left foot at a 45-degree angle and bring your right foot up between your hands, then bend your right knee and inhale your arms up. Storm Shadow, I'll give you a hand to help you stay balanced."

Storm Shadow: "Thank you, sir."

Aquaman: "Is your stump tender?"

Storm Shadow: "Permission to speak freely, sir?"

Aquaman: "Of course."

Storm Shadow: "My stump hurts like shit, sir."

Aquaman: "Then in this case I'd say it would be appropriate for you to take some pressure off your back leg. You can either come down to a low lunge with your left knee on the floor, or firm your thigh and bring your right knee slightly past 90 degrees over your right foot. Too far will cause injury over time, but until you toughen up your stump or find a good prosthesis, let's just be sensible and not cause you any more pain."

Storm Shadow: "Okay, but do you have to put your hand inside my sash?"

Aquaman: "Whoops, did I just do that? Tee hee."

Silver Surfer: "I knew the homosexual subtext would show up eventually."

Storm Shadow: "The WHAT?"

Aquaman: "Now, rotate your feet until they're parallel and keep your gaze on your thumbs as you inhale around to the other side."

Storm Shadow: "No way, man. Sir, I mean. I can't do that."

Aquaman: "No? What are you feeling right now?"

Storm Shadow: "Uh, panic, basically. I can't move."

Aquaman: "Then we'll just go slowly. Can you straighten your knee?"

Storm Shadow" "NO, I CAN'T STRAIGHTEN MY KNEE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, WHAT DID I JUST SAY? I'M FUCKING PANICKING HERE!"

Silver Surfer: "I rotated my feet around quite smoothly. I'm doing a splendid job over here all by myself without any assistance."

Aquaman: "No one's going to make you do anything you don't want to do here. You're in charge, okay?"

Storm Shadow: "Yes, sir, thank you. Sorry for the rude language, sir."

Aquaman: "It's not a problem. Do you want to continue, or would you rather just take child's pose for a little while and see if this feeling passes?"

Storm Shadow: "Child's pose? If you don't mind me saying, sir, that sounds kind of weak."

Silver Surfer: "Child's pose is simply a resting pose. There's no shame in that."

Aquaman: "Thank you, Silver Surfer, yes, exactly."

Storm Shadow: "Fuck that, I'm not moving!"

Aquaman: "Silver Surfer, if you'd like to continue on to the other side, go ahead."

Silver Surfer: "Alright, though I'm quite willing to wait. I enjoy holding poses for endlessly long periods of time."

Storm Shadow: "I like you, man, but quit fucking showing off."

Silver Surfer: "Hmm-hmm hmmmm, la la laaa . . ."

Storm Shadow: "QUIT HUMMING, YOU ASSHOLE!"

Aquaman: "Okay, ready? You're just going to inhale and switch over to facing the wall like Silver Surfer."

Storm Shadow: "I can do this, I can do this, I CAN DO THIS! GAARRRARRRGH!!!"

Aquaman: "Well done! You marshalled a tremendous amount of conscious intention to do that! I'm really proud of you."

Storm Shadow: "Thank you, sir! Actually, I totally checked out of my body, but I'm back now."

Aquaman: "Where did you go, in your mind, while you shifted into this pose?"

Storm Shadow: "I focused on beating the crap out of Board Boy over there, and that gave me the strength I needed."

Silver Surfer: "Don't get to comfortable, Parachute Pants, we're going into Warrior II."

Aquaman: "Now I want you to exhale your arms down to parallel with the floor and readjust your stance slightly, tucking under your sacrum . . ."

Storm Shadow: "My what?"

Aquaman: "Your butt. Then relax your shoulders, keep your chin level, ground your feet, engage your lower belly . . ."

Silver Surfer: ". . . and think about all the puppies you want to kill."

Storm Shadow: "Bring it on, Slick. We'll see who's the real silverback in this sticky mat jungle."

Aquaman: "Go ahead and use me to lean on if you're having trouble keeping your balance. I'm quite strong enough to take your full weight, if need be."

Storm Shadow: "Oh, okay. Thanks."

Silver Surfer: "Tee hee!"

Storm Shadow:: "Shut it, ice pick."

Aquaman: "Now, rotate your feet and take the other side. Five breaths. Uddiayna bandha!"

Storm Shadow: "English, please?"

Aquaman:" Uddiyana bandha is an internal energy lock you engage while in this pose. Visualize a point about two inches below your belly button and try to draw it in and up."

Storm Shadow: "No sweat. I've got killer abs."

Silver Surfer: "N00b."

Aquaman: "I'm just going to help you stay balanced here."

Storm Shadow: "Uh, thank you , sir. You've been very kind."

Aquaman: "It's my pleasure."

Storm Shadow: "What's that cologne you're wearing?"

Aquaman: "I don't typically wear cologne, just in case anyone in the class is allergic, but today I used a little Old Spice shampoo."

Storm Shadow: "It -- it reminds me of Cobra Commander."

Aquaman: "I hope that's a good thing, soldier."

Storm Shadow: "Oh, Daddy!" *sob* "Don't go!"

Aquaman: "And! Pinwheel your arms down to your mat and then straighten them into up-dog!"

Silver Surfer: "That was very touching, young warrior."

Storm Shadow: "Fuck you. Leave me alone."

Silver Surfer: "I mean it. I'm sorry if I made things difficult for you earlier."

Storm Shadow: "Just forget it."

Silver Surfer: "It's wonderful to see you getting in touch with a deeper, gentler, more receptive energy."

Storm Shadow: "Jesus, I thought you were better than this. Just quit it with the gay stuff! I'm in a really vulnerable place right now AND I DO NOT NEED YOUR JUVENILE INNUENDO."

Aquaman: "And lift your hips back into down-dog for one long, slow breath . . ."

Silver Surfer: "If you want to spend the afternoon curled up in Aquaman's arm, that's none of my affair."

Storm Shadow: "God, you're going to get it. When you least expect it, too."

Aquaman: "And jump through to sitting! Well done, gentlemen!"

Storm Shadow: "Ugh! Man, my stump is barking!"

Silver Surfer: "Much like the puppy that chewed it off, I expect."

Storm Shadow: "I -- what? I can't believe you actually made that lame-ass joke."

Silver Surfer: " 'Lame'? Me? Oh, that's very amusing."

Storm Shadow: "Aquaman, sir, are we done yet? Can I go?"

Silver Surfer: "Alright, I'm sorry. Let's let bygones be bygones."

Storm Shadow: "Right."

Silver Surfer: "No, I mean it. Let's go sit by the statue of Ganesha and cuddle."

Storm Shadow: "I hope you choke on a chickpea brownie."