Prasarita Padottanasana A, B, C and D

After a little unexpected time off for summer flu, everyone here at yogabeans! is very excited to be breathing through our noses again and ready to welcome the Fantastic Four to the shala for a little Prasarita Padottanasana, superhero style.

Elastigirl: "From left to right, we have the Thing."

Thing: "Howsit goin', Elastigirl."

Elastigirl: "Great, how are you feeling this morning, Thing?"

Thing: "Like kickin' yoga's butt."

Elastigirl: "Okay, maybe we'll start you off with a little pranayama. Next we have Mr. Fantastic."

Mr. Fantastic: "Good morning, Elastigirl, I'm pleased to be here."

Elastigirl: "Do you think you could stand up, Mr. Fantastic?"

Mr. Fantastic: "Unfortunately, Dr. Doom virtually destroyed my molecular structure and I have no muscle control at the moment."

Elastigirl: "We'll get you on some breathing, too. Next is the Invisible Woman!"

Invisible Woman: "Hi, Elastigirl."

Elastigirl: "Nice to see you here, Sue, we don't see a lot of female action figures doing ashtanga."

Invisible Woman: "Well, the female superhero is normally too busy being a sex fantasy/sidekick to be given any meaningful interests, as you can see by my superbly molded ass."

Elastigirl: "I thought that was because you were modeled on Jessica Alba."

Invisible Woman: "And what kind of career do you think she'd have if it weren't for these lucious melons?"

Elastigirl: "I see you've successfully assimilated the underlying sexism of the superhero-based comic book culture."

Invisible Woman: "Well, you hang around with Batman long enough, you start to absorb quite a bit of self-hatred."

Elastigirl: "We'll see if we can get you back into balance today. And to your left is your little brother, Johnny Storm, the Human Torch! Welcome, Torch. Looks like you're already warmed up."

Human Torch: "Ha. Can we get started, please?"

Elastigirl: "You bet! Everyone jump your legs apart and then turn your toes slightly inward."

Thing: "Not even close, lady."

Elastigirl: "Well, you are made out of rock."

Thing: "I wish I was stuffed with silicone like Brain-O, here."

Mr. Fantastic: "No, you don't. Is it alright if I just lay here and wheeze laboriously?"

Elastigirl: "I want everyone, and you two in particular, to focus on filling your chest with each breath. Feel the front, sides, and back of your ribcage expanding and your bandhas lifting up."

Elastigirl: "Inhale, hands on hips, lift your heart up . . ."

Thing: "What the hell is a bandha?"

Elastigirl: "If you read the Wikihealth link you'll find it's an energy lock. There's one in your perinium, another in your lower abdomen, another in your throat."

Thing: "My peri- what?"

Elastigirl: "Perineum. It's between your anus and your scrotum."

Thing: "You want me to lock something between my anus?"

Elastigirl: "Control over your anus will give you control over your mind."

Thing: "You've gotta be shittin' me."

Elastigirl: "Now, keeping your back and neck in a straight line I want you to exhale, bend forward, and put your hands on the floor between your feet, shoulder-width apart. Then inhale and come up to your fingertips. Sue, Johnny, looking good."

Thing: "Hey, what about me and Reed?"

Elastigirl: "You two just keeping focusing on your breath, breathe into the resistance."

Thing: "My entire body is resisting this crap."

Mr. Fantastic: "If only I could just breathe . . . into . . . my . . . lungs . . ."

Invisible Woman: "So what you're saying is, I'm supposed to jack my ass up into the air and then stick my boobs out as far as possible?"

Elastigirl: "Ah, well, you want to think of tipping your pelvis forward as though it was a bowl of water, you don't really want to exaggerate the curve of your spine, just lead with your heart and don't worry about your boobs."

Invisible Woman: "But they're amazing boobs, you have to admit."

Human Torch: "It is so not fair that you're my sister."

Invisible Woman: "Oh, gross, Johnny."

Elastigirl: "And now reach down toward the floor with the crown of your head."

Mr. Fantastic: "Ow."

Thing: "This is fucking ridiculous."

Elastigirl: "Just do the best you can, Thing."

Thing: "The best I can fucking sucks."

Elastigirl: "Just breathe . . ."

Thing: "I got your breathing right here, lady."

Mr. Fantastic: "Ben, don't take your frustrations out on Elastigirl, she's really very highly accomplished, you should listen to her."

Thing: "Naw, I should've listened to that little voice in my head that told me Hulk was full of shit when he told me this'd be good for me."

Elastigirl: "Okay, inhale and come back up, hands on hips. Next you're going to fold back down keeping your hands on your hips but still stretching your head toward the floor."

Thing: "Who invented this?"

Mr. Fantastic: "Ben . . ."

Thing: "Seriously, who thought this would be a good idea? Look at those two, they look fucking ridiculous."

Human Torch: "Not half as ridiculous as you, rock head."

Thing: "Watch it, match stick."

Human Torch: "You might want to try a little harder, maybe you'll be able to wipe your own ass someday."

Elastigirl: "And inhale back up, and Reed? Are you okay?"

Mr. Fantastic: "No, no, I'm fine, please continue, I'm just down here opening up my vishuddha chakra."

Elastigirl: "Oh, that sounds good. Everybody else, clasp your hands behind your back with your arms straight, inhale, look up, and get ready to fold forward again."

Thing: "Again? This is the most tedious fifteen minutes I've ever spent in my life."

Invisible Woman: "If you don't like it, Ben, you can just leave."

Human Torch: "He can't leave, we're a team, we just have to figure out a way to make him suffer his way to enlightenment, too."

Thing: "Keep busting my chops, hot shot, and I'll put my pada straight up your asana."

Thing: "You're not going to get enlightened until your shoulders come out of their sockets, is that it?"

Invisible Woman: "If you must know, we're clearing our nerve pathways and creating heat to purify our physical bodies."

Thing: "Yeah? And it helps to cheat?"

Invisible Woman: "I'm not cheating, what are you talking about?"

Human Torch: "Sue, you're the only one who can do this pose and it's because you have tape wrapped around your wrists."

Invisible Woman: "Tape is a prop. Using props is not cheating."

Human Torch: "Oh, okay, next time I'll get a trained monkey to do this for me."

Invisible Woman: "God, you're so stupid, I can't believe I'm related to you. Obviously if the monkey were doing the yoga for you THE MONKEY WOULD GET ENLIGHTENED, NOT YOU."

Elastigirl: "Okay, last one! Inhale up, and then fold forward, grab onto your big toes with your first two fingers, and bring your head to the floor between your feet. You should be able to get a little closer this time, now that your muscles are accustomed to the pose."

Thing: "Oh, yeah, it's much easier now that I've completely given up. Reed, you need a hand?"

Mr. Fantastic: "Thanks, Ben, I appreciate your help."

Thing: "Since props ain't cheating, I figure one of us should get to Nirvana."

Mr. Fantastic: "Sue has the best ass ever."

Human Torch: "Do you mind? We're working on some upper chakra stuff over here, Mr. Slimeball."

Thing: "Hey! Don't you talk to Reed like that, you little charcoal briquette, or I'll knock every flaming tooth out of that hot noggin a' yours."

Mr. Fantastic: "I can't help it, those tight yoga clothes she wears, I -- I only wish that some part -- any part of me -- wasn't so flaccid."

Invisible Woman: "God! I can't believe I married such a brainiac and he can't even reverse his own molecular decomposition. It's a good thing I went to MIT and can go back to the lab and develop some sort of healing machine that will align your vital energies and give you a stiffie."

Elastigirl: "And inhale up . . . "

Human Torch: "Thank God! My ankles were on fire."

Invisible Woman: "I know you think you're funny? But trust me, you're not."

Human Torch: "You wouldn't know funny if it punched you in the mouth."

Invisible Woman: "If funny punched me in the mouth I'd say, You know what, Funny? I'm not laughing."

Thing: "I'm beggin' the both of ya's, just SHUT. UP."

Elastigirl: ". . . and hop your feet back together. Great work today, thank you so much, everyone, for your help in demonstrating Prasarita Padottanasana A, B, C, and D."

Human Torch: "Sue taped her hands together again!"

Invisible Woman: "You're a tattletale and I hate you!"

Elastigirl: "Sue, don't worry about Johnny, sometimes our families feel threatened when we grow out of the roles they're used to us playing; old rivalries can spring up."

Invisible Woman: "Oh, thanks, Elastigirl. Johnny's a good brother, he's a jerk only some of the time."

Elastigirl: "That reminds me, I wanted to ask you, how do you deal with having been manufactured on a different scale than your husband? It can't be easy."

Invisible Woman: "It's not, but fortunately while I work on the molecular recomposition machine, let's just say that this Mr. Fantastic isn't the only Mr. Fantastic."

Elastigirl: "Oh!"

Mr. Fantastic With Detachable Arms: "Hi! I can do amazing things with my hands!"

Elastigirl: "I bet you can!"

Invisible Woman: "So, you see, we've managed to solve the scale problem by bringing in a pinch hitter, so to speak."

Elastigirl: "Oh, hi, honey! Did you hear what the Fantastics are doing? Sue has interchangeable husbands."

Mr. Incredible: "Hey, that's a swell idea. That sure would free me up to do a lot more 'bowling' with Frozone."

Invisible Woman: "That sounds kind of dirty."

Elastigirl: "Oh, they just pretend to go bowling, they really go sit in an alley and listen to a police scanner."

Invisible Woman: "That still sounds kind of dirty."

Mr. Incredible: "Well, occasionally I do come home with rubble in my underwear."

Little Mr. Incredible: "Hi, Elastigirl! I hear you had an opening for a backdoor man."

Elastigirl: "Now that is dirty! Namaste, everyone! We'll see you next time!