Wow, I have not posted for a really long time! I guess after that last big one it got hard to swoop back in with a low-stakes follow-up. Well, I have to break through sometime so it might as well be while the world is in the midst of a deadly pandemic.
At first I thought, I’m one of those weirdos who’s really built for self-isolation, I’m a natural little tortoise who is looking for any excuse to hunker down in her shell. And so far: yes, eight weeks of this have been like a shot of B-12 for me. Loads of alone time + deciding not to continue with therapy over Zoom + rediscovering a personal journal gave me the space I needed to really accelerate the healing. I mean, sure, I had a month off from work after Jack died, but that was like the shittiest vacation ever in a destination I’d never recommend. The food was great (and not only because it showed up every night on my doorstep carried by a concerned Unitarian) and the company was fine (I am deeply fond of my son), but with the crying and the staring at Twitter, it was not the most refreshing break I’ve ever had.
Our current situation is pretty good, though. Jackson just finished his first semester at City College, which went as well as could be expected after moving online. We are both fortunate to have the hardware and the good wifi that has allowed him to keep up with school and with his friends, and for me to move 90% of my job to my laptop/bed office. I used to laugh at Jack when he sat in bed naked with his laptop and cellphone, yelling at subcontractors at 7:00 a.m.—”running his empire,” he called it. But now I get it, and I kind of never want to work any other way.
We now live in a one-bedroom/one-bathroom with a funky kitchen/dining situation, but it works for us. Jackson has the living room (a friend installed a clothing bar, and it’s big enough to feel like a studio apartment), and I have the bedroom. We sold/gave away a literal ton of stuff to fit in here, and it still feels like we have too much. We don’t, of course, by Western standards. My villager in Animal Crossing has way more shit than I do.
Anyway, I needed to break the spell and post again, and I have now done that. I’m most active on Instagram, if you want to follow me there. Here are a couple of links to things I’ve found meaningful lately, maybe you will, too.
Link to “What You Missed That Day You Were Absent from Fourth Grade” by Brad Aaron Modlin
Link to “What Four Years in Solitary Confinement Taught Me About Living in Isolation” by Shaka Senghor
Spring this year has got me feeling
like a horse that never left the post
I lie in my room staring up at the ceiling
Spring can really hang you up the most