The First 3.5 Hours of Vacation Day One

8:30 a.m., Boy rejects Trader Joe's chocolate croissant breakfast treat as "yucky."

9:00 a.m., Mother threatens to turn off cartoons unless boy puts on some pants.

9:05 a.m., Boy successfully negotiates The Great Boxer Shorts Compromise of '07.

9:15 a.m., Boy disputes Mother's claim that it's his job to feed the puppy. Mother threatens to turn off cartoons again. Settlement reached wherein boy will feed puppy breakfast and dinner but all interim treats and snacks will be provided by Mother.

9:20 a.m., Friend of Boy's who came over last night with Other Friend who then unbeknownst to Boy's Parents ganged up on Boy and made Boy cry calls to ask if Boy is home. Mother plainly assets that Boy is unavailable.

10:00 a.m., Friend Of Boy's Who Made Boy cry knocks on door; Boy answers, declines playdate, saying that Boy's Father will not allow Friend to come over for a whole week due to Friend's brutish insensitivity. (Father's exact words were, in fact, "Fuck those guys. Want to go to McDonald's?") Friend slams door.

10:30 a.m., Mother turns off cartoons and makes boy get dressed to take dogs outside.

10:40 a.m., Dogs prove unwilling to do anything but jump on Mother and bark.

10:45 a.m., Boy and Mother return home, do gift Winnie the Pooh puzzle twice in a row.

10:55 a.m., First of five games of Chutes and Ladders.

11:00 a.m., Name of game changed to "Chutes and Cheaters."

11:30 a.m., Looney Tunes DVD and peanut butter sandwich for boy; Looney Tunes DVD and knitting for Mother; napping for dogs.