Eden M. Kennedy has acted impulsively in ways she now regrets.

Department of Perverse Reactions

I can't quite explain it, but when I read that 97% of the Hilton fortune would be given to charity, and that Paris Hilton's share would drop from $100,000,000.00 down to $5,000,000.00, my first reaction was, Oh my God, what is she going to do?

Look, I'm not proud of this, and I don't know how to explain it other than the fact that I know all too well what it's like to hit a financial wall (thanks, mortgage crisis!) and scale your expectations waaay back. Still, I spent at least five seconds taxing my least-damaged brain cells trying to imagine how she was reassessing her future. Five million, properly invested, would give you how much interest to live off per year? Four, maybe five hundred thousand? She'll have to scale back on the vacation rentals and the chartered jets, but she'll probably still be able to fly first class, pay the maid, and get her dog spayed. Whew.

It turns out I suck as an elf.

Are You Finished With That?

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