My Weekend So Far

1. Joined Twitter because of the unbearable peer pressure.

2. Avoided doing karaoke.

3. Didn't buy a $148 pair of Lucky jeans even though I loved them and they fit me perfectly.

4. Stone cold sober but exhausted and fearful of puking, on a twisty road in the dark, so when Maggie got pulled over and the cop looked at me, slumped and green in the front passenger seat, didn't have the strength enough to give a shit and meet his eye when he asked, "Has anyone in this car been drinking?"

5. Bought a backscratcher shaped like a seahorse and a bagful of magnetic rocks.

6. Took several awful pictures of several incredibly attractive women.

7. Ate 1/4 of a ham and cheese omelet and half a biscuit.

8. Had a ten-minute conversation with Jack in the birthday cake section of the most beautiful Safeway I've ever been to in my life.

9. Wrote this entire post in one-sentence Twitter-ese.