Here's Hit Hotness running his vast empire by remote control. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he really does walk around with a tape measure clipped to his belt. It's the accessories that really say contractor. Behind him, Juan is finishing the scratch and brown* for the master bath so the simple yet elegant subway tile we chose can be set.

*A process not to be confused with Matthew Brown.

Wow, these guys are fast! I wanted to get them to set some subway mosaic in here, too, like 2ND AVENUE or BROADWAY*, but Jack said no again. He thinks if he sets me loose with design I'll turn the whole place into Willy Wonka's house. Which I would. So since he keeps steering me away from the vegetable-shaped drawer pulls and the purple velvet furniture, I'm secretly going to buy a whimsical German doormat. That'll show him, by god.

**How many words can you get out of "Broadway"? Broad, way, road, drab, bard, away, yaw, yar, wry, rad, ray, bay, bray, day, dry, draw, boy, yard, wad, dray, Darby, Roy, Arab, Brad, bra, boy, dab, board -- I'm so mad that there aren't enough letters for ardor or arbor.

Hey, look, they drywalled the kitchen!

I forget what comes next, cabinets? Whatever. If I were responsible for lining these guys up we wouldn't be moving in until 2007.