I've decided that I want to increase the volume of my hair. I want a conditioner that will turn my hair into a bullhorn transmitter for my every thought. I want to walk down the street and have my hair hump my head to the rhythm of the beatbox of my mind, so that my skull reverberates like a Honda with two Shaq-mansion-sized speakers turned up to twelve taking up the whole back seat. With its windows rolled up.

That's the kind of volume I want. With a delicate apple-ginger scent.