God, I love it when people say funny things about Jesus. In this current climate, I think we should just keep a long line of those "I can see your house from here!" jokes coming. And, please, I love Christians, I love Jews . . . how could I not love anyone who can knowledgably QUOTE GOD? There's so much wisdom there, and yet I just nod off in front of the Koran every time. I nod off in front of the Tibetan Book of the Dead, too, I don't discriminate. I am just missing that Bible-study gene. I mean, I can be filled with all sorts of holy feelings while reading Auden or Yeats; once I burst out into uncontrollable sobs in that part of Westminster Abbey that looks like the tomb of every major male white Western poet who died in the last 500 years. That's my religious experience. Plus all that time on the ouija board. (Like, why stop at quoting God when you can channel the other side.)

So now that you're moderately horrified, I must link you to two other people who are also going straight to hell:

The Gospel of Debbie by Paul Rudnick

And I’m like, Mary, are you dating Jesus? and she says, no, he’s just helping me, and I’m like, you mean with math? and she’s like, no, to not be such a whore.

What Would Jesus Test-Drive? by Jesse Lichtenstein

Jesus: What if I want to peel out at a stoplight?

Sales Associate: Well, it starts out with the electric motor, so ...

Jesus: I see. Suppose some kid in a Corvette cuts me off, then floors it and starts to pull away?

Sales Associate: Well, I mean ...

Jesus: Because it sounds like you’re trying to sell me a shiny new golf cart.