I had to buy the latest issue of Santa Barbara Magazine

I had to buy the latest issue of Santa Barbara Magazine for this headline: "Our Interview with Oprah: 40 Acres and a Pool." (And a pool. Holy fuck.) Says She, "Santa Barbara resonates with me on a spiritual, emotional and psychic level like no other place I've ever been. Where every part of the air that you breathe and the land that you're walking on is in harmony with the rest of your being." I feel exactly the same way, baby! Local scuttlebutt has it that she walked up to the previous owners of her estate and offered them $50 million cash. They couldn't pack fast enough. Just to put it all in perspective, here's what $50 million will buy you in Santa Barbara:

and here's what half a million dollars will buy you in Santa Barbara:

I crap you negative, I got the listing two days ago. Two bedrooms, one bath, point-two-three acres, $483,900. Doesn't this totally resonate with your soul on a spiritual, emotional, and psychic level? Me, too. Vaulted ceilings! A galvanized wading pool! And what landscaping! It's my dream home, the perfect place for me to realize my goal: barefoot and pregnant, tattooed and in love, with a 30-year mortgage and a $3,200-a-month nut. Santa Barbara! Where you can hang your Polo shirts in a cardboard closet.