The Cast Me (Ms. Fussypants)

Jack (Le Chef Fantastique)

Jack's Mom (Grandma Barbara, Babs, Babzilla, Babarella, The Old Broad)

The Menu

Rocky Free-range Chicken Breasts Marinated in Fresh Rosemary, Olive Oil, and Other Secret Ingredients

Green Beans with Butter and Almond Slivers

Farfalle with Butter, Salt, Pepper, and Italian Parsley

Mezzocorona Pinot Grigio (2001)

and

Lots of Vodka Martinis (and a Gimlet for Me)

Act 1

Le Chef Fantastique: "How's the marinade?"

Grandma Barbara: "This chicken is incredible."

Me: "It's free-range, it always tastes better."

Babs: "It's just so tender."

Me: "It's worth the extra you pay. It's not that much, a couple of dollars."

Le Chef Formidable: "Hold the fuckin' phone. I cooked the shit, how 'bout a little credit for that?"

Me: "Yeah, well, I bought it."

Le Chef Irate*: "No, I bought it."

Me: "Well, I shopped for it."

Babzilla (ignoring us both): "It's very good."

Le Chef Fortified by Ketel One: "I could make cat shit taste like filet mignon."

Babarella: "Where is your cat, by the way?"

Le Chef Amused With Himself (to me): "If she was up your ass you'd know it."

The Old Broad: "Oh, Jack, get over yourself."

*Subtly alluding to the fact that my unemployment benefits have run out.