Two's Company

The big question now is, should I have another baby? Pro: Jackson would have someone to play with.

Con: Jackson would have someone to fight with.

Pro: Being a loner by nature, having another kid around would take some of the heat off me, as I wouldn't be the sole source of entertainment for Jackson.

Con: I'd have two kids to entertain instead of one, and would get nothing done, ever.

Pro: Jack wants another one, but not until we can afford it, which could be several years down the road.

Con: I'll be 38 years old in three days, and do not want to be pregnant at age 45.

Con: I have had some depressing days since Jackson arrived, so I could be at risk for more post-partum depression with kid number two.

Pro: But I probably won't have the same stresses of (a) trying to edit a magazine while learning how to tend to a new baby at the same time, and (b) getting blindsided by the humiliation of losing my job (see posts of 11/20/01 and after for details).

Pro: It might be a girl!

Con: It might be a girl.

Last night I was nursing Jackson to sleep and reading my journal from 1990, and I found that I had copied down this poem. It was a time, like this, where I was contemplating action versus inaction.

Sonnet XIX: On His Blindness

When I consider how my light is spent,

Ere half my days in this dark world and wide,

And that one talent which is death to hide

Lodged with me useless, though my soul more bent

To serve therewith my Maker, and present

My true account, lest He returning chide;

"Doth God exact day-labor, light denied?"

I fondly ask. But Patience, to prevent

That murmur, soon replies, "God doth not need

Either man's work or His own gifts. Who best

Bear His mild yoke, they serve Him best. His state

Is Kingly: thousands at His bidding speed,

And post o'er land and ocean without rest;

They also serve who only stand and wait."

John Milton