Suryanamaskar B

Today's model is GI Joe 8 Inch Commando Duke. Duke is an ass-kicking G.I. Joe of recent vintage, belonging to the Sigma 6 series of covert operatives along with his frighteningly detailed buddies Storm Shadow, Heavy Duty, Snake Eyes, Spirit Iron Knife, and Tunnel Rat. Duke is the only one with the balls to do yoga, though, and we are pleased to have him demonstrate this sun salutation series for us. Samasthitih! Do not fuck with Duke. He has removed his weapons from their holsters while in the shala but he will pop your eyes out with his overdeveloped thumbs if you unroll your mat with a disrespectful snap.

Ekam! Nice squat, Duke. Those bulky shoulders come in handy for balancing grenade launchers but they make utkatasana kind of a challenge.

Dve! Here Duke is getting an assist for his forward bend from Orangehead Krybot, formerly a nemesis of the Power Rangers S.P.D. but then he went through some teacher training and now he's thinking about opening his own yoga studio in Ventura.

Trini! Unlike the majority of plastic action figures, Duke can actually arch his back and raise his head somewhat. Orange Krybot is helpfully keeping Duke balanced until his hips open up a little more.

Chatvari! Dude has a strong jump back. Tough about the perenially clenched hands, but we do what we can. Remember, Duke, "posture is mastered by freeing the body and mind from tension and restlessness and meditating on the infinite." That's some yogic wisdom, right there. Now, try breathing into your fingers.

Panca! Nice lift in your updog, fella, and you appear to have the correct drishti. Which is kind of creepy because I didn't think your eyes could move.

Shat! Keep working your heels down to the floor.

Sapta! I'm just astonished by the size of your forearms.

Ashtau And the fact that you can do chaturanga balanced on a fingernail and one knuckle.

Nava! And don't even get me started on your hair.

Dasa! Are you trying to balance on your fists? You have to have fists to do that, brah.

Ekadasa! Did you take that master class with Paul Taylor last time he was through? Because there's something really expressive going on with your hips here and I just love it.

Dvadasa! Are you doing anything after class?

Trayodasa! We could get a chai somewhere.

Chaturdasa! I have a great view of the Channel Islands from my deck and my roommate's out of town.

Pancadasa! Inhale, head up!

Sodasa! Exhale, and, uh, Krybot? I think Duke's trying to tell you that he's had enough adjustment for now.

Saptadasa! Utkatasana! Inhale up and my God, those calves of yours.

Samasthitih! Thanks, Duke. Come back anytime. I've got some other poses I'd like you to demonstrate for me.