Weasling out

It was time to shop for a new bathing suit because they're all going on sale, and Jack firmly stated his intention to take me shopping. I hedged. "What's wrong with the bathing suits I have?" I demanded. "How about keeping things fresh for the old man?" was his retort. I slapped him twice with my gauntlet. He laughed in my face and went off to prepare a fine bolognese. I relented. What was I going to say? "No! I am stubbornly going to let our marriage wither and die from lack of attractive swimwear!" So I let him drive me to The Bikini Factory in Summerland, which is pretty much the best place on earth to buy a bathing suit. They have all the weird sizes and good fabrics, and the women who work there are very sensible about telling you what does and what definitely does not belong on your body.

Everything looked like crap on me. You know what it is? It's this short hair. I only look sexy fully clothed, in long sleeves and turtlenecks and mittens and snow shoes. You need to have long hair if you're going to look right in a bikini, this is what I realized after trying on about two dozen suits and almost, but not quite, reducing myself to bitter tears.

Jack is trying a new tactic. He changed the screensaver on his laptop to feature some extremely healthy-looking women wearing bikinis from this place*. After the last few weeks of staring at all these all-but-naked ladies, I've just about been brainwashed into believing that I could pull it off. Thing is, if I found the nerve to go out with two square inches of Lycra covering my tits, the condo association would probably ban me from the pool for the rest of the summer.

Unless I can find a waterproof wig. . . .

*Kind of borderline safe for work.

JACK ASKED ME TO POST A CLARIFYING UPDATE because the link I used for Wicked Weasel goes right to the fancy models, when the women he has on his screensaver tend to be more healthy, normal-sized models, pictures customers have sent in of themselves, even ones with short hair. Still probably a little unsafe for work, but very wholesome nonetheless.