1. Jackson, after watching four Simpsons DVDs in a row, in the voice of Mr. Burns: "Eden, you're late, bald, and stupid."

2. After bossing me into playing Lego Star Wars II on his cousin's Xbox 360: "I'm Boba Fett and you're loser Fett."

3. As his twelve-year-old cousin rubs in a spot of sunscreen that I missed on his shoulder: "Tell Grace not to touch me! She just wants to experience my softness."

4. After a long morning of errands: "If you don't get me a snack right now I'm going to turn into mucus."

This morning in bed

Me: "Your pool league should get team shirts."

Jack: "Team shirts are gay."

Me: "Ringer t-shirts with iron-on letters."

Jack: "With just our names."

Me: "Like a negro t-shirt gang."

Jack: "And a rainbow, and a unicorn . . ."

Me: ". . . and a beautiful lady . . ."

Jack ". . . with long, flowing hair. And pirates."

(thoughtful silence)

Me: "Pinkie rings?"

Jack: "Nipple rings."