I’m worried about my heart, and I’m worried that worrying about my heart will kill me. I went online over the weekend and I searched “how to have a healthy heart,” hoping I’d get a list of action items, do-able things I could integrate passively into my already-passive pandemic lifestyle. I would do everything it said except for eat kale. Kale gives people kidney stones, and those are supposed to be the worst. I know two people who at this moment are recovering from kale-induced kidney stones. On the other hand, I also know someone who got kidney stones from eating no kale but a lot of beef jerky and Pepsi, so it’s not as though going hard in the other direction will save you. Maybe I’m not so much passive as moderate? Yes, the Buddha preached the Middle Way. Could be I’m safe here in the dietary middle between vegan and gas station carnivore.

Boyfriend called and I told him I was worried about my heart, that I had a heart murmur as a child, and I occasionally experience heartburn* and tachycardia. I didn’t tell him that at one point a decade or so ago life was so stressful that I tried to shut down my heart and have no feelings at all, tried to literally harden my heart for a day, before I went back to just being sad.

*I hope it’s only heartburn!

That must have caused damage. You have to care for your heart. I love Boyfriend, and that love has woken me up to the fact that I don’t want to die yet, that it would feel tragic and unnecessary for me to think, as I lay dying, Well, at least I got a glimpse of what my heart can do. Better luck next life. Nor does Jackson need to lose another parent to heart disease so soon after the first. Getting a bunch of life insurance money would not protect his heart from missing me. I can’t do that to him. The thought breaks my heart. Stop thinking sad thoughts!

I went online and searched for reputable sources of heart information. It was all disappointing. “Move more,” the internet said, “Avoid secondhand smoke.” Eat good fats, floss your teeth, get enough sleep. I do all those things. There must be more, surely?

1. Be born in Iceland

2. Have a soft, docile koala bear to snuggle whenever you want

3. Always look good in a bathing suit

Boyfriend listens to me worry and then says, sincerely, “You’re fine. When’s your next checkup?” June is when I normally go to my doctor. He checks my blood pressure and listens to my heart and pronounces me fine, as well.

4. Get your Covid vaccination. But don’t get side effects and crash your car driving home!

Last night I ate two slices of pepperoni pizza for dinner, and drank two big glasses of red wine. Red wine is supposed to be good for your heart, but alcohol is supposed to be bad. Dog in my lap: good. Second cup of coffee: bad. I do this all day. Walk in the park: good. Hours of computer: bad. When does it all even out? Please let it all even out.