This morning, as I was scraping bubble gum out of the dryer, a haunting melody pierced my reverie.

(Sung to the tune of "Heads, Shoulders, Knees & Toes")

Cephalothorax, abdomen (abdomen!)
Cephalothorax, abdomen (ABDOMEN!)
Spiders! Have! Two! Main! Bah! Dee! Parts!
CEPHALOTHORAX, ABDOMEN! (abdomen)

Filling my thumbnails with hardened petroleum-based polymers, awakening my heart to the joys of first grade science . . .

Eight strong legs are attached (are attached!)
Eight strong legs are attached (ARE ATTACHED!)
(Pause to scream when I find a small sock glued to my yoga shorts)*
Eight strong legs are attached! (are attached)

"What in hell is a cephalothorax?"

"The cephalothorax is where the legs are attached, not the abdomen, which is what everybody thinks. The cephalothrax contains the eyes, heart, lungs, liver, and glands of the spider."

"What's in the abdomen?"

"The abdomen is just full of guts."

Arachnids are the group where they belong (they belong!)
Arachnids are the group where they belong (THEY BELONG!)
Youcan'tcallthem insects in this little song (because?)
THATS! NOT! THE GROUP! WHERE! THEY! BELONG! (they belong)

Repeat until mind and body are completely separated, then discard the shell.

*"Near the head NOT on the abdomen!"