I just sent one of my brothers a birthday present. The brother with the two kids and the three dachshunds. Since we were recently at his house I took the opportunity to check out his VHS and DVD display. Elvis movies as far as the eye could see. So I thought, Okay, I'm going to make this as simple as possible: MY NIECE AND NEPHEW ARE NOT GOING TO BE BROUGHT UP TO BE A COUPLE OF FIFTIES FILM PANSIES I yelled. In my head. And then I stamped my feet in my head, too. It hurt, but my superior powers of meditation and breath control brought the bleeding under control within an hour.

When we were kids, our Dad would take us to whatever he wanted to see, so my brother with the two kids and the three dachshunds (henceforth known as "Tim") benefitted from early exposure to Ingmar Bergman and Robert Altman and Dirty Harry, and I don't think it turned him into an athiest cereal killer. Sic!

So, still respecting his PG impulses, I got all screwball comedy on his white ass and sent him The Philadelphia Story, Some Like it Hot, and Adam's Rib. Early exposure to Jack Lemmon has been proved to raise a child's I.Q. by 2.5 points, did you know that? It's true! I read it on the Internet! In fact, I wrote it on the Internet! Just now!