I got little listy things in my pants!

1. Our next door neighbor rented E.T for her three-year-old daughter to watch. When the little girl saw E.T., she screamed for five minutes. For the next week she wouldn't go into her bedroom at night because she was afraid that E.T. was under the bed.

So I went out an bought a copy of E.T.

Jackson loves it. Not because he's The Bravest Boy On The World, but because, I think, he's too young to be scared by much except dogs, snakes, cars coming at him, and me leaving him alone for too long.

2. Through repeated watchings of Toy Story (parts 1 and 2), Shrek, Antz, Snow White, Jungle Book, Pinocchio, and E.T., I have developed this quiz. Match the snappy dialogue/suggestive action to the movie and you win! What do you win? You win the pity of parents or guardians everywhere.

a. "And then I ate some rotten berries? Man, I had some strong gasses ekin' outta
my butt that day."
b. "Oh, my sinussss."
c. Cowgirl toy kisses spaceman toy and spaceman toy's titanium penis wings pop up.
d. "Gene Hackman and Christopher Walken? Those two need to work together more."

3. The office I work in is also home to two Abyssinian cats. The office is just off the garage, which is just off the house where my boss currently lives. The cats are in the office because Boss and his Boyfriend are trying to sell the house and real estate people tramp through all the time without paying attention to whether a cat has gone in or out while they're showing the house, and if a cat goes outside it has about a 79% chance of becoming a coyote snack within the hour. So I spend my days working in a cat hotel complete with heating pad on the sofa, cat food dishes on a bamboo serving tray, and two immaculate litter boxes. The real comedy begins when I'm sitting there discovering the intricacies of a budget change order and Boss is simultaneously carrying on two conversations, one on his cell and one on the land line, and we hear a little scritch, scritch, scritch and suddenly we are silent, and we slowly turn around and watch as a little cat with its ass hiked up in the air takes a delicate Abyssinian shit in the sand and then covers it up and prances away, spreading little pebbles of cat litter over the tasteful slate floor. It reminds me of that scene in Clerks? When they have the litter box on the counter? I love that scene. The other one I love is when the guy says to his unfaithful girlfriend, Try not to suck any dicks on your way through the parking lot!

4. Tuesday night I dreamed that I started Jackson's tub after dinner and then sat down to read the paper. When I got up to check on how full the tub was, I found Jackson laying under water with his face all white. I calmly got him out and Heimlich'd all the water out of him, and then he hopped off my lap and ran off to play.

Wednesday after dinner I in reality started filling the tub for Jackson's bath but it takes a while so I went off to read the paper and when I came back to the bathroom Jackson was happily sitting in the tub playing with his plastic horses.

There are billboards all over Palm Springs that say CHILDREN DROWN WITHOUT A SOUND (there are a lot of swimming pools in P.S., as you might guess), and I think someone should install one of those billboards on my head. The other option would be to tattoo the backs of my hands.

5. I still can't decide who I like better, Steve Zahn or Stifler.