Ah, Sears. The brand America trusts. Direct marketing geniuses! Senders of riveting junk mail!

STUFF HAPPENS

[They can't write "shit happens," they're the people who make Craftsman Quiet Pulse lawn sprinklers]

So Sears Life has come up with an awesome plan:

[How obvious they are, pandering to the twentysomething in me that still feels as though she'll live forever]

up to $250,000 of accidental death insurance coverage, underwritten by Sears Life Insurance Company -- that's virtually FREE after 15 years.*

[Apart from the overexcited typography, they're losing me. But what's with that asterisk?]

*Assumes 15 consecutive years of premium payments

[Oh, okay -- but wait, what's this little slip of paper that's fallen out of the envelope?]

Exculsions: This Policy does not cover accidental death caused by: 1) suicide while sane or self-destruction while insane, or any attempt at either; 2) war, or act of war, rebellion, or participation in a riot or act of terrorism; 3) air travel while performing the duties of a Pilot or Crew Member; 4) disease, or bodily or mental infirmity; or 5) death resulting from an injury sustained while participating in a crime.

AND HERE'S THE KICKER:

In AL, AZ, CO, DC, DE, HI, IA, IL, KS, MA, NE, OH, PA, TN, WI: death to which a contributing cause was the commission of or attempt to commit a felony.

A loophole! I live in CA! I think I'll call the cops and then go knock me over a 7/11 with a big ol' shotgun, take a couple of hostages, and go down in a glorious hail of bullets. THEN WE CAN PAY FOR PRESCHOOL.